today i really thought about my future. it is terrifying. not my future i hope but the thought of having to choose a career...a career which you will be defined by..in the world of indian people the need to be "successful" is excruciatingly important. during thanksgiving my dad was talking about success and he commented on one of our family friends son, "You know out of all the kids (referring to us and the other kids in our community) Ankur did the best. He is 26, makes more thank 100 K a year and travels every month to do business."

wow. thanks dad. i know his purpose in saying this is not to belittle me or the kids of the community...he just has a singular definition of success ..and that kind of sucks.

the more i think about it the more i realize how much i love my kids. oh i LOVE THEM. i'm getting to the point where teaching is becoming enjoyable...it only took half a year...i hope as time passes i will be able to say, " yay early childhood is my career for life!!" ..i am not quite there yet...it would be wonderful to pursue this path. The kids at this age emit such love,their imaginations are out of this world, their perspectives on the world differ so beautifully than adults, and their need for love is immeasurable. Also, magic exists in their life. oh man its great =) the only thing that inhibits me from really delving into this path is...my need for lots of intellectual stimulation..this is not to say that early child hood education teachers don't need this...but i know after a few years of teaching it will get much easier and the challenge will not remain as in the first year or two...

i know my passion lies in helping at risk youth. i would absolute love to get a counseling degree! the mind and fixing the mind is fascinating to me. but simultaneously if i was to counsel everyday it would drain my energy and being..this is something i would like to do part time..full time would consume me. i wish i wasn't so damn sensitive. i have not learned how to seperate my emotions from my mind. they are one entity. and this is where the problem lies...i want to get a degree in counseling but i don't want to do it everyday and every hour. i want half of my life's time to be with children and the other half with at risk youth.

how do i combine this?